I guess I'll always miss you.
I guess I'll never know the names of our children, and our dogs.
Never will I cook for you and wash the dishes,
Make the bed and sleep in with you.
I'll never be upset that you forgot to take the trash out or that I missed telling you to buy bread.
I'll never be mad at you...
I'll never get to kiss you in the morning,
I'll never play with my fingers in your hair.
We'll never make love and consume our souls into the night,
in bed or on the sand.
We'll never have the trips I daydreamed about when I was young,
You never propose to me and you never tell me how beautiful I am.
You never grab my face in your hands and tell me I'm the one!
I guess I'll never have this... with you!
"-Why do you do this to yourself? It sounds like you are a masochist, you enjoy pain, the pain you feel while relieving the rejection and humiliation!
-You may say that...
-Why? I don't understand! Don't you hope for something better in this life?
-Pain is more real than hope is!"
"There is no saving her if she feel in love with the pain. No words can heal her heart and no man can touch her soul anymore.
She feel asleep on the cold shoulder of a ghost, a memory, a person that is not here anymore.
You are waisting your time trying to help her, she doesn't want to be helped, her pain is everything she has of him left inside her!"
"As I am shaking under the idea of you loving me still, after all this time that we have been away from each other, I am trying to light up my cigarette and forget about you, like I did so many times.
I try to keep all the emotions away, but they are deep into my existence, in my blood, in my dreams and they define me as I am. My shadow of a person, small and unfulfilled, in pain and lost!"
It seems like I would never reach you! You are so full of yourself that you won't stop and listen for one second, leaving me one step behind.
It is a struggle to understand what you are thinking, never saying the words, pretending that I am interpreting what you are feeling.
It takes me months and it took me years to understand what is real and what it is not, but always, I am one step behind.
The taste of ice-cream and smiles. The hugs and happy times.
The last Summer of my teen age years.
My last job. My last date. My first date. Your last hug. My last promise.
Your hair color. The smell of gas. My dreams. Your eyes.
Your image of me.
The last thing she said to him was a name, a name for the light.
She vanished into the darkness, leaving him alone in the last gasp of light.
There is no air in the other side, no time and no memory.
How can you search for yourself when you don't have a taste of your own irony!?
The presence he once felt was lost in the place of no name.
Where the light has no game.
No storm to clean up after he is gone.
Where the tears are for no one.
My chest is hurting when I breath, when I think of all the things I have been deprived of in my childhood. All the things I have missed in my life because you didn't loved me as I should have been.
You didn't care about my pain while growing up, the false promises fairytales were making for girls like me.
You made me vulnerable to pain and broken dreams, you broke my dreams!
No matter what you will do from now on, you will never take back the pain and offer me the memories and strength I once needed.
I often wonder if you read these pages, I try to imagine this scenario when you answer back. But then I remember that I don't want my imagination to give me the answer. I want you to be real, in a selfish way I want you to change and be the person you are not, to feel what you never felt!
I will never have you! But I will always have the memories of the things that never happened!
I miss the person I created in my mind, the perfection of my imagination!
I miss discovering your flaws and falling in love with them. I miss falling so deep into my own sorrow and cry alone in my own space, in my mind.
We had so many conversations there and so many memories, so many scenarios that only I know about! I wish that they would have all been true, I wish you had me as I had you in my mind. I wish you loved me and never let me go.
I miss you!
The road was the same, and different. She has been walking for ages and was still searching for herself.
When she realizes that the road is taking her in the same place that she left in the past, she stopped.
She laid still and then started shaking. The concept of pain from the past made her shiver and be scared. She fell to her knees, she didn't wanted to go back, but there was no other path to follow.
She cried her soul out, with no one around to comfort her, to feel her pain and tell her a good word, but she remembered the beautiful times that she had next to him. She started to cherish the small moments that she took for granted and she build courage to walk again.
It was for sure September, a warm, ready to rain September.
I was expecting it t happen but I always pushed it back.
You can't keep next to you an illusion, a person that does not want to see what you see in him/her.
You have been avoiding me for days and showed less interest of what I was hopping to exist between us.
Yet I came to you, next to the field, to have my heart broken in pieces and become more damaged that I was when I fell for you.
You said the truth and I accepted the defeat, I couldn't have you anymore, couldn't use you as a shield for reality. I had to let you go.
And as I look at that moment, back, I can't seem to remember your last kiss, of how your breath touched my full of tears face... and wonder if you remember it.
Was it a little sparkle in your eyes that I saw on the last day?
Your mask was not hiding what your body language was speaking.
I ask myself if you miss the old me as much as I miss the old you, the old memories that seem so new and alive.
Have you missed me since you last saw me? Have you read my lips?